Masquerades

"So how do you know that it’s the cards giving you messages instead of your internal bias?"

I had this conversation with my ex frequently. He was an agnostic atheist that was way more atheist than agnostic. He would ask me questions under the guise of “making sure I know what I believe in,” or seeing if I can actually answer questions. I never understood why he felt the need to have these interrogations/conversations with me. I was 3 years his senior and have been surrounded by this type of spirituality since I was an infant. Surely, I knew what I was doing and was comfortable with it.

When I started learning tarot in 2017/18, the questions were more frequent. I was always solid with people’s express boundaries, so I never pulled cards for him without his permission. But as the conversations got deeper, I felt less comfortable sharing this side of myself with him. My boyfriend, of three years, had a key to my apartment and I still somehow felt the need to hide my crystals, candles, and cards from him. I tried to wait until he left to light incense because he hated the smell. What I thought was just me being open with my family’s spiritual history, and being vulnerable with someone I trusted, was always treated like I was trying to get him to convert to whatever non-organized religious system he had made up for me in his head.

 

“But it’s not religion.”

“You guys still have rules though, don’t you?”

“Yes, but not *those* rules.”

“So how is it different from religion?”

 

I got tired of answering the same questions. He would always deny it but I knew deep down he wanted me to change my answers. But for me, changing my answers would mean denying the very existence of all of my ancestors at once. Changing my answers would mean disregarding the trials and tribulations they endured. Changing my answers would mean all of the trauma my entire bloodline experienced was for nothing. I couldn’t do that. My Grandma taught me better than that. She always told me, “Let the dead rest in peace.” But allowing them to rest does not mean to allow them to be forgotten.

I began to realize that I continued to change throughout our relationship. My entire personality morphed from outspoken and bubbly to reserved and snarky. I stopped wearing chokers because he thought they were slutty. I stopped wearing high heels because he was short and didn't like me in them. I wore uncomfortable shoes because he thought the Bucketfeet looked cooler. I stopped wearing t-shirts and leggings because he only liked skater dresses and high-waisted shorts. Before I had my car, I always had to plan to leave events early or not go at all because he never wanted to go outside. I missed out on dozens of concerts because he didn't want me to go alone, but also didn't want to accompany me. Even as I type this, I try to think of ways that I forced him to change. The only thing I can think of is pressuring him to go back to school. Every single guy friend I had, no matter how much proof I had that it was platonic, was banned from my life unless they were family or gay. And worst of all, he convinced me to slowly distance myself from my immediate family less than two years after my Grandma, our matriarch, passed away. But things were good, right? He never hit me or called me names. He did call me “manipulative” after he broke up with me (?) days after telling me he loved another girl (??) and that a different girl flirted with him and tried to braid his hair (???), but that was about it. He got me an annual pass to Universal Studios (as a way to get me to stop complaining that we never went anywhere; which was also something I didn't actually ask or hint for; which was really something that he wanted for himself, but he got me one so he wouldn't be alone). I never asked him to take me to fancy dinners, but asking for a trip to the local art museum was too much. He did go to that one Little Dragon concert, and we did those two out-of-state trips…but I'm not counting them because after what felt like pulling his teeth, I paid for everything.

At the time that most of this questioning was going on, I was in my 1L (first) year of law school. I was quite confused and was living on my own for the first time. From the outside looking in, I could see how immediately buying 20 reiki-charged votives, 10 crystals, and 6 boxes of incense could look like there’s a deeper problem that I was avoiding. But I was eager. I was learning. Some of these things lined up with what my Grandma had taught me, but a lot of it was new. The botanicas were hard to find but I somehow ended up within 12 miles of 4 different white-owned metaphysical shops. There was so much to learn while balancing my first-year classes. But I knew I didn’t want to go in-depth with him. When I wore my amethyst necklace, he jokingly called me a “tumblr girl.” I stopped wearing it, and the string for it eventually broke. I realized I could only talk to him about crystals and gemstones from a geological perspective, and even that was on thin ice.

It was very difficult trying to balance this. I always told him that I don’t actually care what he believes and that I practice this way of life for me, my family, and our history. My grandparents were Caribbean immigrants from Antigua and Barbados. Our culture, at least in our bloodline, was heavily influenced by mysticism. I desperately avoided the gaslighting conversations. He would bring it up and when I would try to change the topic because I knew what was coming, he would start a heated debate like he was NDT while I was some sort of Creationist. I would try to explain my own self and tell him that I couldn't speak for anyone else, but it's almost as if that wasn't good enough. I was the spokesperson for all the hippie witchy bitches and Christians and anyone who ever believed in anything, and that was somehow totally okay to him.

This isn’t a story of how either of us knew we weren’t “The One™” because of our different beliefs. It’s mostly a story of how being unable to be your truest self with someone who claims to love you isn’t healthy. Just because you aren’t being physically abused doesn’t mean that the relationship is healthy. At least a year into our relationship, things started to spiritually make sense. I was still heavily grieving the death of my Grandma. She was the woman who taught me how to write and spell my name, and she helped my single mother raise my brother and I. I remember all the time I spent at home with her before I started kindergarten while my mom was at work and my brother was in school. Spirituality was the strongest bond I shared with her. I knew her in lifetimes before, and getting back to source was my way of letting her know that I was still okay. To be with someone for such a long time and not be able to share that with them (or finally getting to share it and being treated like a psych case or a science project, no in-between) was devastating to say the least. It was always a battle between trying to have my feelings validated, and not wanting to have that talk again. Eventually I gave up completely and changed the subject away from spirituality altogether every time.

I can say now that I’m in a spiritually and emotionally healthier relationship with someone else. My background and beliefs are way more respected. My partner understands the generational weight that comes with honoring those who came before me. Though I haven’t decided whether or not I actually want kids, there is this peace of mind that comes with being able to pass down stories of my Grandma from a spiritual perspectives instead of just a historical one. Being loved in this way is part of what made going through with Counsel & Conjure so natural. And instead of getting the IX or X of Swords when I pull cards for my love life, I get the Strength card which represents his Leo moon and rising.

 

So what do you do if you're in an unhealthy relationship that's not physically abusive?

1. Don't ignore the signs. If something makes you uncomfortable, or if you feel like you're always being invalidated, speak up. Their response will determine how they actually see you.

2. Don't let them gaslight you. Following up to the first step, don't let anyone make you feel like you're delusional. Yes, we can overreact sometimes. But find a way to clearly explain your thoughts and how they arose. If they still disregard it, make a mental note.

3. Get a third party opinion. Sometimes we fall prey to our own bias. Personally, I've learned to not get my friends involved because they're great people, but they almost always side with me. Which makes it hard to get called out when I'm actually in the wrong. Try finding your most neutral friend, or even make an AITA post online to get honest opinions from strangers. This may help prevent an unnecessary argument.

4. Ask yourself if you're truly happy. Well, are you? Do the pros outweigh the cons? If you feel safe and happy (IN THAT ORDER) with the way things are, then keep going. That's how it was with me for a while. But if you constantly feel invalidated by someone who claims to love you, leave.

5. If #4 results in you leaving, reach out for help. If you have people who can help support you, talk to them. Family, current friends, old friends, coworkers, whoever. I reached out to all of those when I was really going through it. If you're in college, see if your school offers any free counseling.

I hope this post helped at least one person. You deserved to be loved for your most authentic self and nothing less. Don't let anyone dim your light by masking it as “just trying to understand.” Know your worth and believe that someone out there can and will fall in love with you, for you. It may not be soon, and there might be some reasonable compromises along the way, but you deserve to be loved without needing to masquerade.