Mercurial Memos: Part I

Emotional maturity is…a thing.

I often talk about how the effects of your upcoming personal year in numerology can be felt a few months in advance. As I write this, I'm preparing for the energy of 1. This 1 (19/1) is represented by The Sun card in tarot. After that Tower-Star-Moon run that was ages 27-29, I feel calm. My most recent 9-year cycle that began in 2015 has taught me more than I could have ever bargained for, and I think it's crucial to reflect on it all in order to stop history from repeating itself.

Chapter 1 - The Sun 

This sounds like a jarring sentence to say, but I had never experienced grief until I turned 21. My Grandma passed away one month into my personal 1 year. It's been 9 years and I still don't think I can fully explain how much she meant/means to me. She was my first friend, and the first one to uplift me and make me believe her words were true. I was barely an adult entering the real world without my Praying Grandmother™. 

But life moved on, and I had to move with it–literally. I moved to Orlando, without any family nearby, less than a month later. It's like Spirit lit a fire under me and I started sprinting at the sound of the starter pistol. I started living for myself for the first time, and everything I accomplished was in honor of my Grandma. And from the way that doors were opening for me, I know it was her who was opening them.

Chapter 2 - Judgement

2 is a number of unions (think 2 of Cups energy). In February ‘16 (still in my 1 year), God told me that I would be ready for a relationship by the summer semester. My first romantic relationship started about 2 weeks after my 22nd birthday (start of my 2 year), a month into the summer semester. This was also around the same time that my now ex-best friend and I fell face first into new age spirituality. She was convinced that her spirits had been waiting for her to awaken, and she fell into the allure of certain deceased spiritual influencer who won't be named. (This info is important!) Around the same time, I began studying for the LSAT. I was faced with the harsh reality that I couldn't just speak law school into existence–I still had to take an entrance exam and maintain my GPA.

Life was a mirror that I couldn't avoid, constantly making me question things that I thought I believed. How could I want to be a trial attorney when I avoided trying out for mock trial like the plague? How could I want to move back to Virginia when I deliberately rooted myself in Orlando? And what was most glaring, how could I accept a position to represent the LGBTQIA+ student population as a bisexual woman when I just started a hetero relationship? The high from my 1 year was wearing off quickly and despite my mutable nature, I had to intentionally adapt with effort.

Chapter 3 - The World  

2017: the year I finally completed my bachelor's degree after attending 3 different colleges (numbers are funny). I was halfway through the academic identity that I had crafted (transitioning from undergrad to law school). My ex-best friend and I celebrated both of our graduations with a trip to NOLA. We both got in-person readings from the ever iconic Tatianna Tarot--while she was pregnant! Everything felt new and familiar at the same time. 3 years into a cycle that began with me wanting to be a prosecutor after my own SA cases were ignored, I was actually about to do the thing. 

In the context of The World card, I felt like starting law school made me a real adult. I was no longer a “college kid,” I had graduated (literally) to the next level. Sure, I had taken out the loans and signed the lease, but I couldn't shake the thought that this was just another descendant-of-Caribbean-immigrants-needing-to-succeed-at-everything kind of deal. There was this burning desire to go back to my childhood hobbies like painting, and it's absurd how much money I spent on blank canvas and acrylics. I craved something new but because of FAMU’s outrageous schedule (6 fall classes, 7 spring classes), I never had the time.

Chapter 4: The Fool 

I decided to drop out of law school after the first year. It was the spring of 2018, just a few weeks before my 24th birthday (leading up to the start of my 4 year). My family tried their best to understand, but I could sense the disappointment in their inability to brag Caribbean-ly about me being a lawyer. I remember not providing my notice for my lease in time, and getting charged like $650. In the truest fashion of The Fool, I had no plan and had to move to South Florida to stay with my mom until I could figure things out. 

I drove across the state for job interviews in Orlando and Gainesville just trying to find meaning. My ex, in the least helpful way possible, reminded me that long distance relationships don't work for him. My credit card was maxed out and I had about $7 in my savings and another $4 in my checking. It was arguably the most necessary yet most foolish decision I had made in some time. On top of everything, my then-best friend that I had known since 6th grade decided that I was “energetically draining” her, and that she needed time for herself. I was staying in a spare room at my aunt's house that was 6-7 hours from “home” and barely eating because of how bad my mental health had gotten. I had absolutely no energy to put up a fight, and I left things right at that.

Chapter 5: King of Wands (The Year Everything Changed)

Halfway through my 4 year (January 2019), I re-enrolled in law school. It was more of a business decision than anything–I was broke and could use the loans + another degree to leverage myself into a job that pays a livable wage. The passion was gone, but I was determined to finish what. 

By the time my 5 year started in June 2019, I had a part-time job and a new apartment. I convinced my then-boyfriend to take me to NOLA for my 25th birthday since it had been 2 years since my first trip. He insisted he'd only go if we did a cemetery tour, then proceeded to rebuke the whole tour and call it disrespectful to the dead.

Life was okay until my first visit to Atlanta in September 2019. I was away from Orlando for less than 48 hours on a trip that had been planned for 6 months. It was supposed to be 3 of us, but the third backed out last minute to be with her boyfriend instead. I went to a nightclub for the first time and really longed for a special kind of intimacy that every couple in there had. I came home excited to tell bae all about it, only for him to be completely stoic on the way home.

Remember: 5 is the number of change, and not all change feels good. The very next day, I got the dreaded “I think we should take some time apart” text, or whatever that boy said. I was confused because we were planning to go to South Florida just a few days later for his first artist showcase. I told my friends back home, and they rallied behind me…until they didn't. The same friend who bailed on the Atlanta trip decided to host a last-minute birthday dinner the night of my ex’s showcase, despite having 3+ weeks’ notice and knowing that I couldn't make it. Our mutual friend immediately texted me out of the group chat and apologized, saying that they can't come to the showcase because she'd never forgive them. I cried the whole drive from Orlando to Broward while catching my ex’s phone going off with Tinder notifications, and adamantly refused to see both of my “friends” before returning home.

You'd think that'd be the end of 5 but thankfully, it wasn't. Weeks after the breakup, I reconnected with an old friend from Virginia that I met when I was 18. We were extremely close until I started dating my ex. He randomly asked if he could visit me in Florida and I obliged. He ended up visiting me 2 more times before the end of the year and even sent flowers to my job in December. He embodied every element of the King of Wands, and we started dating (long distance) a month later in January 2020.

 

And then COVID hit.

 

(to be continued)